why do I dwell on death?

I suppose I do so because of late, I have been dwelling on life. with thoughts of life I always find thoughts of death. every morning i walk past that dead sparrow (sparrow no longer now by the way, just 2 or 3 gray feathers imbedded into the sidewalk) and every morning as I walk to class and think of what my purpose is being in medical school. I learn my pathways, my clinical correlations, and I "learn" how to interview patients. All for what? I used to think that doctoring was special, but from I've seen it seems that it is (or has the potential to be) just like any other job out there. a job where my priorities are MY schedule, My needs, My salary, and My life. What happened to the other? No I'm not depressed....just a tad disillusioned with medicine, doctoring, and doctors in general. Doctors are just like everybody else. It's strange that it's taken me so long to realize such an obvious detail. I guess I've always thought that doctors were cut of a different cloth to be able to do what they do. To make the sacrifices that they make and to have the passion for what they do. I'm working on an essay on humanism in medicine, and I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I suppose I can talk about the typical: empathizing with patients, curing them, sympathizing with their problems....but i can't help but feel that there is something more. Besides, I don't particularly like the term "humanism". It bears too much of the Enlightenment- a movement/era I am not partial to. What say you guys? Any ideas? I'd appreciate input :) I have all these little pieces i'm juggling right now, and I'm not sure how to piece them together. My brain is a bit fried from all these pathways, lol maybe more sugar will do the trick. after all my brain needs at least 600kcal a day which it gets mostly from glucose..... ¶ 23:28