why do I dwell on death?

I suppose I do so because of late, I have been dwelling on life. with thoughts of life I always find thoughts of death. every morning i walk past that dead sparrow (sparrow no longer now by the way, just 2 or 3 gray feathers imbedded into the sidewalk) and every morning as I walk to class and think of what my purpose is being in medical school. I learn my pathways, my clinical correlations, and I "learn" how to interview patients. All for what? I used to think that doctoring was special, but from I've seen it seems that it is (or has the potential to be) just like any other job out there. a job where my priorities are MY schedule, My needs, My salary, and My life. What happened to the other? No I'm not depressed....just a tad disillusioned with medicine, doctoring, and doctors in general. Doctors are just like everybody else. It's strange that it's taken me so long to realize such an obvious detail. I guess I've always thought that doctors were cut of a different cloth to be able to do what they do. To make the sacrifices that they make and to have the passion for what they do. I'm working on an essay on humanism in medicine, and I'm not sure what I'm going to write. I suppose I can talk about the typical: empathizing with patients, curing them, sympathizing with their problems....but i can't help but feel that there is something more. Besides, I don't particularly like the term "humanism". It bears too much of the Enlightenment- a movement/era I am not partial to. What say you guys? Any ideas? I'd appreciate input :) I have all these little pieces i'm juggling right now, and I'm not sure how to piece them together. My brain is a bit fried from all these pathways, lol maybe more sugar will do the trick. after all my brain needs at least 600kcal a day which it gets mostly from glucose..... ¶ 23:28

A sparrow crushed on the sidewalk
mushrooms alongside
death comes in variety ¶ 13:26

Hubbly Bubbly Circles.

I just realized last night as my friends and I sat around on the porch in the cold Cleveland air passing the narguila hose around that some of my fondest memories of the last 2 years has involved this instrument. THey say that smoking is a communal and social activity- I would have to agree with them. It seems to bring people together, mellows them out, and we always have a good time. True, there is the matter of blackening lungs to consider and the prudence of medical students partaking in this particular pasttime. (A matter which I have yet to resolve). However, I TRULY enjoy it, not just for the physiological effects, but for the atmosphere it seems to create. Sitting around and drinking doesn't bring about the same results. I had such a great time last night just sitting around the porch again smoking and sharing mind puzzles and odd moments in life with Tony Bennett in the background. I think back to similar moments in Wadi Rum with Bedouins playing their instruments and our group sated with food and drink (my first narguila session), in Jerusalem with my hostel buddies, balcony sessions at 2 am with Sebastian and Brian, potluck dinners at my apartment, balcony belly dancing/smoking/gin and tonic sessions at Samara's, and now these porch sessions with my new medical student friends. Lol, you know what? I figure that the amount of blackening in my lungs that this smoke has caused is worth it for all that I've gotten out of it. Life is short--too short--and these moments are precious :) So, i've decided to live a little.

Guess that's all i have for today. I should get back to glycogen metabolism. THe human body is AMAZING I cannot believe the level of control we have even at the molecular level. With that said I shall leave u with my hubbly bubbly thoughts and return to phosphatase and synthase. ¶ 15:16

"Pop" Zen

I was taken a shower- a place where I find answers to most of life's odd puzzles and problems- when I started thinking about "thinking outside the box". It's a popular phrase these days- heard throughout many a classroom and coffee shop. It's the purported pathway to answering life's muddles and puzzles. Personally, I think it's just silly. Does this box that we all supposedly think inside of actually exist? Can we think outside a non-existent box, or, perhaps some would say we all think outside the box b/c there simply isn't one. Does anyone besides me think I'm going in circles? Is it maybe a simple matter of our perceptions of what reality consists of. If we were to "think" or "believe" that this so-called box exists and act as though it were there, then would it exist (at least in our version of reality)? But people who think they think inside the box, wouldn't they be the same ones thinking outside of it because they constructed the box in the first place? Hey, maybe I can make my own box nad think inside OTHER people's boxes. can I tell you to "think outside your box, and think inside mine?" hehe...this is fun.

It's strange that so many people seem to find solutions to life's puzzles in zen. Well...at least the pop zen sold on TV and your local walmart in the form of funky candles, asian scrawlings on thin paper scrolls, and incense sticks. It's full of phrases that inherently contradict each other. "to be wise one must realize that one is ignorant." or "all that is black has white and all that is white has black" or that "to find oneself you must lose yourself". These phrases have a certain charm and appeal for sure, and probably make sense to many of us, but why shouldn't they? Isn't the world gray? Since when was it black and white? Why do people paint the world this way? Defining and compartmentalizing life into little ordered "boxes"( hehe...back to this again). When nothing fits in these boxes ( rarely anything does) we feel cheated and disillussioned. Nothing is rational...not really...we make it so, don't we? Does anything really fit into Iff p1, and p2, therefore q? I think the world IS gray, and it IS full of contradicitions. I spent the longest time in college trying to figure out why everything I studied in school never really made sense or fit into anything i had to apply to life. I'm not sure where this brings me...

*sigh* Yet another fruitless review session. All i hear in class are possiblies and probablies, nothing is for sure. ¶ 14:49